A weekend embracing trauma

I just came back from a weekend training on trauma and family constellations. Three intense days witnessing stories of trauma alongside many other participants, each of us taking the time to unravel some of the layers of our personal and transgenerational traumas. A work in progress—the never-ending journey of self-discovery and personal and collective healing.

We gathered in the middle of our torrid summer in the iconic city of Tarragona, an ancient Roman colony on the Catalan Coast bathed by the Mediterranean. One might wonder what impelled us to dip our toes (and feet) in the swampy waters of trauma instead of indulging in the refreshing waters of our Mare Nostrum.

“We need to create pauses in our everyday life.” In The Art of Contemplation, the contemporary bard Richard Rudd describes why pausing is essential to “begin the perennial journey into the internal landscape of your life”. When we pause, we create a sense of spaciousness that helps us widen our perspective on our life. Like an animal that pauses for no apparent reason, when we pause, we become aware of our inner and outer landscapes. It’s in the pause that we begin to see our patterns, behaviours, emotions, and beliefs with greater perspective. In the pause, we also realise that we are part of a wider flow, part of the Whole.

Creating pauses, says Rudd, requires intention and self-discipline. We need to choose to make space for them. We can create pauses between our activities, transform everyday routines like walking to work into moments of pause, or slow down and linger a little longer in a pleasant experience. From a very young age, our youngest son used to linger in the car when we arrived home from school or soccer training. He would sit in silence for a couple of minutes before getting out of the car. He intuitively knew that he needed that moment of presence before stepping into his next activity.

Standing still is not always easy, though, because of our archaic survival mechanisms. Sometimes taking a pause can feel terrifying: embedded in us is the ancestral instinct to keep moving and remain on high alert, ready to defend our lives. Taking a pause requires us to slow down and drop our defences. It opens the door to the discovery of difficult truths within, and to the realisation that “it is me who has stood for so long in my own way”.

Sometimes it can feel comforting to take a pause in community. Last week, over 150 people attended that wonderful workshop in Tarragona. I took away many gifts, including a deeper understanding that our personal journeys contribute to our family and collective destiny. The lived experience of knowing that our personal mission is part of the larger purpose of life is still resonating in me.

Being in a group expands our awareness and deepens our sense of connection, reminding us that our individual journey is part of a collective one. It can soften our fear of letting go of our sense of control, allowing us to be held by the group. Pausing with others creates space for complicity and laughter, leaving us lighter and more joyful. Taking a pause, any kind of pause, is a privilege that many of our predecessors did not have. For this, I am grateful today.